Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day 18, The 30-Day Photo Challenge

Day Eighteen: A picture of your biggest insecurity...Failure



I think this is by and large, my biggest insecurity - failure.  It is certainly a hard blog to write because it's admittance that I struggle when there are many that really believe I have it all together - I assure you, I do not.  This insecurity is why I push and push and push myself to near exhaustion sometimes and fill my plate so full there's no room for Jello.  I fear failure, on multiple levels.  I'm certain I'm neurotic, certifiable sometimes, but the insecurity still exists.  The idea of not being successful at something I attempt scares me to death.

This insecurity branches out into all aspects of my life: as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend, a mentor, a role model, an athlete, a woman, a human, a christian.  It is what makes me question my accomplishments and what makes me question if I'm accomplished?  It makes me ask my husband if I'm a good wife?  Am I a good mother?  It's what breaks my heart when I can't get a student to learn or to care about school no matter how hard I try.  It's what forces my obsessive need to be skinny and pretty and sexy even when I have the only man I'll ever want.  It makes me wonder if I've been a good role model to those that watch me, have I steered them in the right direction?  It makes me feel guilty when I face humanity and don't measure up.  It makes me wonder if I've been a good friend, it drives my need for people to like me or hate me.  It's what makes me turn my face to the heavens and ask God how he can still love me?  Failure.  A dark demon in the corners of my mind.

But, this insecurity also has its merits.  I'm never o.k. with mediocrity and I won't accept it from others.  I have exceptionally high standards and push others to meet me at the top rather than me come down to meet them.  It keeps my choices sound, and even sane, when I'm attempting a new adventure.  It makes me learn, thirst for education, for knowledge, and for the next mountain to climb.  It keeps me healthy and wise (note no "wealthy" in the phrase...haven't figured that out just yet). Being insecure about failing makes me take all the necessary precautions to not fail.

So, this insecurity is the double-edged sword.  It's the angel and the demon, the ying and the yang.  I don't share this seeking compliments, it is what it is.  But, even with my biggest insecurity looming in the back of my mind, I still am willing to jump off the mountain and try to fly.  So, while failure is something that gives me pause, it never holds me back.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

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